We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
