you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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