you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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