I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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