i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
