I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize