Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
