she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
