So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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