I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
