wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
