Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
