So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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