So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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