I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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