she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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