i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
