sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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