1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
