Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
