Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
