he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Im part way to drunk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
