Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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