I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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