$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
