You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
