Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you didnt know i had herpes?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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