if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
