Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
