i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
