So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
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I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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