i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
