at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
