I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
it wasn't lemon gatorade
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
