I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
