I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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