are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
