oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
this is an emotional support booty call
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
