apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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