New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
