Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
