I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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