Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
