twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
