Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
