I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Sober January is a disaster.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
