Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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