Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
