There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Randomize
