i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
