i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
