if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
