Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
