his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
