I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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