we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
