Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
