Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hippo gnu deer
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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