I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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