Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
a search helicopter?!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
